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It is Sunday, January 19th…

19 Jan 2014 (Sun)

…And I am kind of only posting so ya’ll know I’m still alive.

And by “ya’ll” I mean “whoever stumbles across this blog since there hasn’t been a legitimate reason to follow it in years.” I’m not the kind of writer who can come up with entertaining content on a regular basis. I’d like to think a more accurate statement is “I don’t live the kind of life that lends itself to entertaining content on a regular basis,” but I don’t think that’s true. The plot line doesn’t always have to involve me directly; there are plenty of things to write about wherein I’m merely a commentator, not an active participant.

But the fact remains that I still haven’t figured out how to muster the energy to actually write about much of anything. If I force myself to write, I usually find myself eventually staring at a few intro sentences that go nowhere, like a match that sparks but doesn’t catch. Those matches are really depressing. If I’m lucky enough to hit on something which actually leads to several more subsequent sentences, it inevitably snowballs into the kind of raving lunatic post that goes so horribly awry, I exhaust myself in the process. Like accidentally dropping a lit match on its matchbook and the whole goddamn thing goes up in flames. Those matches are also depressing, but in a totally different way and I usually need a nap afterwards. It probably goes without saying that the remaining ashes of lunatic post are not suitable for public consumption.

And that’s really where things stand. All I can say is that I feel notably directionless and still bored with several aspects of my life, but I’m not excessively anxious about that. It is what it is, and this life is the kind of life that someone like me is probably going to lead. At some point, I’ll have to decide what I’m going to do with that, and actually be proactive about making some new life choices. But for now, I’m just going to poke around the issue and kick some tires and work on racking up fewer instances of exhausting myself. I have learned, the hard way once again, that keeping busy is often counterproductive when your actual goal is to find a new direction and a sense of purpose. Those things are difficult to find under pressure and deadlines. Sometimes they require space and silence and as many naps as you feel like taking.

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